Crouch. Hold. Engage! How to Listen well.
Image courtesy of St John’s College, Hamilton
WRITTEN BY:
Dawn de Witt
READ TIME:
3 mins
Listen is such a little word, as Margaret Guenther says in her book on spiritual direction. “To listen” suggests a skill mostly untaught and somewhat taken for granted. Yet we’re doing it all the time, often oblivious to its amazing power.
We learned its power from experience. Some may have had that sobering realisation: They’re not listening … not interested. I don’t, and my story doesn't, matter. Thoughts that left a hollow, empty feeling or gave way to burgeoning inner protest.
Others may have been blessed with an experience of being truly listened to. Like the moment when you and your story mattered. Were held. Gently. Respectfully. That moment when you felt accepted and had a sense of belonging, knowing: I’m OK – and it’s OK to just be.
Listening has the power to change lives. It enables us to connect and relate; to negotiate our way through difficulties and differences; to avoid or resolve conflict - and to heal and restore hurt relationships.
Lessons from rugby
I learned a lot about listening well from the game of rugby. As a rookie enthusiast, I quickly sensed that the scrum was serious business. A critical point in the game. When the outcome hangs in the balance. I believe an act of listening is a bit like a scrum. Beautiful, exciting and satisfying when it works well, but quite messy if it’s executed badly.
But it’s the ref’s words at the start of the scrum that get my attention and are likened to the art of listening: “Crouch. Hold. Engage!” These words set the tone for what’s to come.
Crouch
“Crouch” tells the forwards to drop into a low position. To listen well, we need to get down to the level of the speaker, kanohi te kanohi, face to face or eye to eye. In this position we are alert, attentive, attuned - and fully present to the one being listened to.
Hold
“Hold” or “Pause” is about fostering play and creating safety. It’s a reminder that the aim is to get the ball away, to keep the game alive, rather than to push the opponents backward.
So much depends on our ability to “hold” when listening. We put ourselves aside, suspending our thoughts, opinions, analyses, and judgments - as if we’re "putting brackets" around our own concerns as we listen, as Elizabeth Liebert puts it; not losing them but just pausing our own narratives in favour of listening to the other. We set aside defensiveness and let go of our intent to reply.
Engage
Unlike rugby, listening well is a collaborative affair. In an age of texting, emails and messaging, it’s easy to forget how intimate listening is – and how interactive, alive, fluid and mutual it is, even if the listener says nothing and no-one moves a muscle.
When we’ve dropped down low and put ourselves aside, we listen as naïve and curious amateurs. This creates a holy stillness within - a hospitable space for receiving and connecting with the mystery that is another person. We open ourselves to receive not only what’s said, but also what’s behind the words and what’s not being said. We touch the mystery – and we offer ourselves as gift in return.
Contemplative listening
In the inner stillness, we listen attentively to the Holy Spirit, heeding the Spirit’s nudges and promptings. Listening thus transcends the ordinary or functional and becomes sacred.
Listening contemplatively in daily life promises to soften some of the brittleness of pandemic times. The expression of its gift is imperative as we journey together as a Church, as families, as workmates. May we respond wholeheartedly to the Holy Spirit’s invitation to listen, and may we be the change the world awaits today.
